couples Therapy

When you talk, neither of you feel like you’re getting anywhere, or most of the conversations are about schedules, work or kids. One or both of you may feel lonely in the relationship at times. The possibility of enjoying each other again, as partners, lovers and friends, is one you and your partner feel ready to explore. You both long for a more meaningful and joyful relationship.

Very often I ask couples what brings them into therapy, and one or both will identify “communication” as a relevant struggle. Sometimes couples feel like they’re speaking different languages, even if they’ve been together long enough to expect to understand each other easily. When we feel unheard or misunderstood, we tend to double down on how we’re communicating. If we just repeat, emphasize, even plead sometimes, surely our partner will eventually get it. Often we give up, exhausted from trying, or exhausted before even trying, and that can create ruptures or distance in feeling connected. Other times, intimacy is an issue, whether identified as emotional, physical, or both.

In my clinical experience, and through the lens of the Emotionally Focused Therapy approach I utilize, communication and intimacy are closely linked. Imagine you told your partner something important about yourself or how you felt or thought, and they responded with acceptance and understanding. You’d likely feel reassured and closer to them. You might lean in then with curiosity about their experiences, and that openness to desiring understanding and closeness might have the same effect on them. Through healthy and intentional communication, you build intimacy. Increased experiences in that intimacy opens you both to greater trust, and greater desire. Both partners begin a journey of feeling secure and accepted in the relationship, and open to continuing that journey of connection.

Our work together is to begin that reworking of communication. You already know what doesn’t work, you and your partner have probably been doing the same dance for a long time. In session you’ll experience new communication, and when new things happen, healing begins.